This post is hard to write, so you better read it.

This post is hard to write, so you better read it. What Ive learned from selling stuff on this blog is that I dont like to do it. Its hard to tell you Im hating myself and then tell you, Buy my course about happiness! So, Ive decided to change my business model. Except that I dont actually have a new business model yet. And while Im looking for one Im  making  missing monthly payments on a new cello. But now I feel more free to write, and there is so much to tell you. I miss the farmer so much. I would go back to him in a second if I didnt have kids. But I cant let the kids see me like this. A friend told me her daughter has no respect for her. I asked why. And she said, Because she watched me put up with way too much from my husband. I want my kids to respect me. I am not sure I love myself enough to take care of myself. But I love my kids way too much to not take care of myself as their mom. I thought I only missed the farm. But I miss everything. I go on Google Maps to look at the farm. I cant wait till the picture updates. I think about when the Farmers parents will die. Then he will not have to please his mom and he can be with me. I wont do that. But I still think about it all the time. We have mice in our apartment. It was cute at first. We knew the mouse. He had his patterns and favorite spots. Now there are a lot more mice. I keep telling myself the more mice we have the more my sons college application will stand out. But I can see Ive gone too far in my efforts to keep our fixed expenses low. Ive been trying harder to fit in with other moms. For my whole life Ive told myself no one notices anything and no one reads what I write. But now I see that  its just me who notices nothing  and doesnt read what I write. I had to start reading what I write because  my editor  quit. He didnt tell me he quit. He just disappeared. I think its because I have a blog that says  you should never divorce  and  we dont need teachers, and he just divorced his wife and got remarried to a teacher. Melissa  started editing. But when  Melissa  is my editor I feel like shes not my friend and I had already lost my editor and the farmer and the farm.  Melissa  is my oldest friend so I have to keep her. I used to have friends who were older. From high school. One never spoke to me again after  I wrote about her. And the other two never spoke to me after I said  zero tolerance for domestic violence is wrong. I am starting to think being a person on the receiving end of domestic violence is like being a person who is anorexic. Everyone around the person says to just fix the problem. But the person cannot fix the problem. The person thinks maybe its OK to die from the problem instead of fixing it. I have  a new friend, Lauren, who is a comforting type. She has a husband, Michael, who may or may not want his name on this blog. Sometimes I want to be married to Michael, but he is almost the same as me, so really I should marry Lauren. But Michael got her. Lauren and Michael have a grown-up kid who I coach sometimes, but only when hes desperate because he hates everything I tell him. There is so much more I want to tell you. I went to a domestic violence shelter. I didnt need shelter, like a place to live. I needed shelter from  messed up ideas  of  how people should treat each other. I learned a lot about boundaries. And I am figuring out how to have good boundaries with everyone â€" except you. So, things are going to be different around here. New Editor I have a new editor. Molly. Because  Melissa  has  a full-time job being my best friend. Molly is someone I coached. She wrote to me and told me she wanted to edit. I said OK because I thought I remembered her. I didnt remember her correctly. She is 38 years old. She has no kids because she doesnt want them to mess up her life. She has a career she doesnt care that much about. Shes been reading my blog for a very long time. I feel like it says so much about her that she lives a life I would never condone but she still likes reading my blog. New Email List I have been sending out emails about individual personality types for a long time. Most of you dont receive those emails. If you want to receive emails about your type,  send me an email  with your type in the subject and Ill put you on the list. When theres a new course on how to become a freelance writer, or maybe when I have free trips to Club Med to dole out, Ill announce it on that list. And since the lists are organized by type you will not get a trip to Club Med if you are an NT, and you will not get a freelance writing career if you are an SP. Not many SPs read this blog. But you might have a spouse who is an SP, so you could sign up to be on that list as well. But youll need to submit two different email addresses, one for each list. New Bravery I have been timid here. Young cellists perform with boundless gusto, but then they get older and they start to become self-conscious. For most of my life I have been that bold little kid. But recently Ive become the self-conscious teenager. Ive felt so fragile, like any misstep will ruin me. But now I realize that whats most ruinous is no missteps at all.